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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

i got to have heart.
heart don't fail me now.
am pinning my hopes on you.
so yeah gotta stay strong.
(and doubt, please get lost.)
guess this applies more to other areas of my life rather than academics.
just one more test to go and lazy me am not revising one more time just yet. LOL.
i am lazy.
but anyway.
i reckon i should have faith.
faith in what?
faith in myself. faith in people. faith in friends in particular.
i always tell people to have faith, when in fact i should be the one having faith as well.
haha. irony of the situation.

faith in myself, cuz in case you didn't know, i am not strong. yeah. not very strong. just strong enough to hold on to life. one blow and i can get really caught up in feeling disappointed and demoralised. i have had enough of that. this has been with me since primary school. haha i remember brooding about not getting full marks for math in P5. looking back i realise it's dumb like anything. haha ahwells. i shall have faith. believe more and perhaps find out more about what i wanna be? yeah.

faith in friends. yeah i guess i need loads of this. i don't know how to go about doing this cuz i'm still in the process of learning. i need to trust. but thing is i don't trust people all too easily. i have to be reassured all the time. heh yeah. after thinking through stuffs on friday, i realise i have a major problem with keeping friends. bleh. haha. it's either i chicken out or it just disappears. haha but most of the time it's the former - i chicken out. like i said, i can't trust somebody like snap. sigh. doubt is a killer man. once i doubt, everything and anything that is bad would start happening, one after another - domino effect you know - until i don't know what to trust and then i chicken out. loserfied i guess. >< bah. major problem.

prolly that's why i am scared to commit. too scared of letting that one person down. too scared to take that step. this year i took that step but now, shit i guess i am regretting it. it could have been better off if i just did not take that one step. but to think of it. without that step i probably would not have so many great times. without that step i probably would not have met the most fantastic person alive. without that step i probably would have just ended up being a mask day in day out, being who i am not. yeah.

yet now, the sole reason why i am regretting it is cos i've been out of your life for so long i don't know how to get back in again. the feeling just ain't the same anymore. it's like something's gone from the equation. something i cannot subsitute. i don't wanna let go but even if i don't, what can i do? i don't know what to do. really i don't. someone tell me? i really don't wanna lose this, yet i feel like i am not good enough. sigh.

ahwell. enough of this. getting really emo. haha. shall laugh some more. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA. okay i shall shut up and go mug chem like guai kia. i would be a chem expert tmr, i swear.

<3 gab

9:42 PM