i am never one who is good with my words.
so i shan't say anything.
not just yet.

//

cut at 1:21am

okay guess i'm ready.
just watched i, robot.
everyone's built for a purpose in life, but i don't know about mine. (sorry i used built. influenced by the movie.)
what do i aim to do in life, i don't know at all.
all i know now is to do well in school, to be the best i can be.
the best i am being now is not even within a mile of my expectations.
not referring to school. just me.
all i thought i am is probably not who i am.
naw, i can't be grappling with self identity.
that's what i always tell myself when i start to think too much.
now i guess i AM struggling with who i am and what i am here for.
to start with, i'm not too sure of my character anymore.
i thought i was frank and straightforward but now i don't think i can be that anymore, cuz it's getting harder to be who i really am every day.
and next i thought this year i would be a better person to others.
ha. guess i'm not. being someone in charge isn't easy and i've let down some people by being rash and hotheaded at unappropriate times. and to that, my sincerest apologies.
reckon i need to run an attitude check on myself pronto.
not just that, i've got the feeling that i piss people off bigtime this term.
well again i'm sorry.
i examined the situation and i found it's kind of my fault that stuff turned out all wrong.
like i said, i'll do something about it.

and yet again. here comes my identity yelling at me.
do you freaking have to care about who you piss off and why?
to think of it, i'm a teenager and logically speaking, i guess something in my hardware is wired up differently from a normal rational adult.
well it's scientifically proven, in case you don't know.
go google it or read the book "blame my brain".
most probably you would take the garden path.
okay as i type, i think i am seriously digressing.
my thoughts are all over my head.
it's like different variables in math equations;
i just can't group them together anyhow, so pardon my incoherence and if you feel like going, the door's open baby.

ahwell, i think some things lost can never be regained.
can they?
been thinking about it for a dillion times.
someone tell me they can be found.
i need someone to tell me that.
because i am losing faith in something i really wanted to keep and treasure for a long time.
and i lost it in like what, three months?
okay i know this has absolutely nothing to do with what i've been babbling about above.
and as i told you, my thoughts are very mussed up right now.
my life is way off line. gosh.
i'm feeling empty.
i've got no life man.
well, physically i do.
psychologically, i don't think i do.
what i need just isn't there.
i got to go out and find it.
i know it's somewhere out there, but the question at hand is where.

maybe once i found my purpose, everything would fall into place.
piano (man i suck at it).
studies (okay they are kind of in place but i have to jack up my scores, no borderlines).
family (my parents just think i'm like a 5 year old kid).
friends (ahh. aslkjdfalshaw. said it a gazillion times, i lose friends by the score).
leaderish stuff. (my boring uncommitted ass might probably start to get more responsible).

seeing how much my purpose affects my partially screwed life, i should get up off my ass and start running to find it. alrights. i'll find that drive. i will man. i will.

and that would hopefully i would find it before term starts.
i don't wanna crash term 3 like i did term 2.
i want it to rock.
just like stuff naturally did in term 1.

kay i think i should go and sleep now.
gotta wake up earlier tomorrow and do my work.

taa.

<3 gab
4:05 PM