supposed to be doing math like some maniac now.
but. i cannot help but think that people's the hardest part about living in this world.
there are so many things i've experienced in 3/4 of this year.

one thing for sure, is that there is no forever to anything in relationships.
forever would come to an end, one day, some day.
so best friends forever is bulls***. best friends for long time is yeah, understandable for some rare cases.
nothing lasts forever.
it'd die one day. i think.

and yeah, nobody is really who they seem until you spend time to go look underneath the surface, the masquerade that people kind of inevitably put on to go to school.
they never show how they are inside.
me included.
you might think i'm just some person who laughs a whole lot and talks very loudly and whatnot.
but seriously, i'm an emo kid with tremendous mood swings whose periods can match those of jasmine's 2000Hz screaming.
and whatever i tell to some people is just the tip of the iceberg to who i really am.
you can never give someone all of you, cuz there are some things you cannot tell that someone, be it your boyfriend or best friend.
anyhow. you can never fully understand someone.
and i cannot either.
there are so many gazillion things you never know about your friends.
be it good or bad. (and i hope it's the former for all of my friends. lol.)

anyway.
there's still the same old thing about balancing your social status and stuff.
like not being bogged down by a clique.
not becoming an anti-social.
and not becoming a yappy fake crowd pleaser.
(yes i hate crowd pleasers, who go with the flow.
it's like they have no minds of their own.
and do things to maintain their perfect image.
come on. no-one's perfect/unstained. )
avoiding becoming all these, is HARD.
keeping your own identity and individuality in this society is so difficult.
you cannot do it without offending someone.
as much as you want to make it hurt-free.
but dang. being a part of this society is just full of perils.
like. you do something out of the norm or something that some people cannot tolerate.
zomg, be ready for some backstabbing.
i've been part of backstabbing before.
and i've been a victim as well.
so i've been there, done that and experienced that.
and the feeling is guilt, more guilt and even more hurt.
so backstabbing is seriously off-limits for me.
if you want to talk about someone, please, go tell the person what you really think.
before things get out of hand.
and one fine day, you experience the feeling of people talking behind your back, you won't think it's a zi4 zuo4 zi4 shou4 thing. you'd feel unjustified. it's more than you ever thought of.
cuz i've been there before.

and gragh.
here comes the most confusing one.
i don't know how to phrase it.
but me and manda have discussed it numerous times.
we have many many intellectual talks.
and lol, really serious ones i mean.
where we talk and reflect and come up with theories and conclusions.
and sometimes we fall out but somehow weirdly be able to patch up again.
okay maybe that's cuz we have quite a lot in common.
1. we are both straight-talking people! (yay. hurray for straight-talking)
2. we are emo kids.
3. we tend to get a bit judgemental (i only began this year. =.-''').
4. we get pms-y sometimes and get really snappy and mean.
5. we confide a lot in each other, though we aren't best friends or whatever.
6. we can complete each other's sentences.
7. we never seem to be able to leave the past behind.
8. we both say we don't care about something anymore, but deep in our hearts, we know we do.
9. we had quite a number of similar feelings and thoughts about some people.
10. we don't believe in forever.
hah. this is just the few i can think of now. and it's already 10.
LOL. hohoho. manda's not really my best friend or something, but we talk a lot to each other.
and what do we have here? a weird friendship which may just be able to last for a long time.
until something really bad splits us up. 0.o i don't want to think of this just yet.
okay back on track.
well this thing i'm thinking about. it's related to everything we discussed.
but it's something i thought about when discussing.
hoho.
i know i've said i've given up on best friends, but yet again, the stupid syndrome of saying i don't care, but i actually care comes back.
so.
how do you know if you've found him/her.
i use to think it's the feeling.
so just run along with it.
but i guess the first feeling of liking for that person may not last.
and the real liking feeling only comes later after some tribulations and exultations.
yet, sadly, i've not really experienced the later.
haha. so i'm basically.
blind about this.
dang. and because of that, something i thought would last didn't, cuz i jumped into it.
literally.
it's like whambang, after 1 short month, we're best friends.
it was quite impulsive i know.
and now i'm in the same dilemma.
but i guess i'll take my time with this person this time round.
otherwise, like i said before to andrea i think, it'd be like getting married too soon.

ahwell.
guess it's back to math.
bye!

<3 gab
12:49 PM