when death seems like the easiest way out, please remember it is also the weakest and stupidest way out.
big lesson i learnt today.
woke up feeling like a total ass.
i was screwed in everything.
class responsibilities.
my cash flow problems.
the state of my piano skills.
the constant nagging voice at the back of my head telling me i really should finish chi pt once and for all.
and plus an additional truth that i learnt yesterday night.
i'm neutral about it; just that i feel like i've let her down still, very much.
i just felt totally screwed.
it's not easy to pretend everything's alright.
was on the bus with div this morning.
the funny chat on the highway part kind of made me forget the stuff i have to worry about.

class lunch.
kudos to char, we kind of sorted stuff out.
okay i admit i was over reacting about things like that.
just that i hate it when i am unable to suggest location where we can all be happy and eat together.
i think i over complicated things.
nobody else's fault.
i am sorry.
i admit it's my fault.
just that i had a certain bias still.
i will try to get rid of it.
i promise.
hmm and i think meanwhile we're gonna go marche.
i know it's expensive for me, so i guess i am gonna make what i eat worth my money.
money is important now.
cannot let myself or my mum down anymore, otherwise i might as well go back to kindergarten.
and i think i was being dumb for breaking down during recess.
the pressure was really intense.
people unhappy with decisions i make.
i know i make mistakes.
but my mistakes, they are costly and stupid.
so i am really sorry.
i won't find excuses.
this is one mistake i won't make again.
never.
i will NOT say that i am not cut out to be a leader just because of a mistake.
i have to learn.
i have loads to learn.
plenty.
stumble, pick myself up and try again.
even if i'm on the right track, i'll get run over if i just SIT THERE.
so yeah.
main point: i will not make the mistake of rushing into things or making uncalculated decisions.

about death.
sometimes death is a tempting option.
i am amazed that i actually thought of dying for REAL this time.
all the times i said to myself CAN I JUST DIE NOW?
i didn't really mean it and i had some element of fear.
but today, when i said this to myself, i felt as if it would really solve my problems.
that bloody scared me.
of course i snapped out of that unhealthy thought.
and that happened in the toilet when i was showering.
so thank God for the shower, otherwise i would really stuck to the thought of dying.
freaky.
there are always better ways to solve a problem.
like laoshi said, i mustn't panic, mustn't give up.
i have to presevere and carry on and do what's right.
and not make the same mistakes.
that way, problems can be solved.
no pain, no gain.
have to work for what i want.
and honestly, this year, is the first time i've undertaken a leadership position.
so i guess i have loads to learn.
yep.

alrights.
i have to return to chi pt.

BYEBYE!

good luck people with everything kay.
and last reminder: death might be the easy way out, but it's the stupidest and weakest way as well.
and damn quitter.

okay. BYEBYE!

<3 gab
8:28 PM