<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/20366694?origin\x3dhttp://cuppadot.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW I GOT MYSELF WEDGED INTO THIS FUCKING RUT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.
NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE JOB THAT WASTES SO MUCH OF MY BLOODY PRECIOUS TIME; BUT I BLOODY NEED THE FUCKING MONEY FOR STUFF AND WHAT NOT.
BUT STUFF ISN'T CLOSE TO BE 1% AS IMPORTANT AS PIANO, AS SMP, AS MATH, AS CHINESE, AS GOLF, AS ROBOTICS, AS REST ULTIMATELY.
STUPID 9AM TO 3PM TIMING SUCKS THE PRODUCTIVENESS OUT OF EACH FUCKING DAY OF MY DEC HOLS. BLOODYYYY FUCK.

(sorry, for the swearing. if you don't want to get a postful of angst, hormones and pure frustration, door's open baby)

SO WHAT IF I GET MONEY AND I FAIL MY GRADE 8. NOBODY'S GONNA GIVE ME A DISTINCTION IF I GIVE THEM MY ENTIRE SALARY AND BLAME THE JOB FOR MAKING ME DO SO UNSPECTACULARLY.
BECAUSE IT'S MY OWN DAMNBLOODYFUCKINGSONOFABITCH FAULT THAT I SLACKED FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR FOR PIANO, LARGELY MOPING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT CAN'T BE RETAINED, SOMEONE WHOM I HAD TO LOSE, PARTIALLY RUSHING HOMEWORK AND MEMORIZING WITH AN IMAGINARY TAPE RECORDER IN MY HEAD TO DROWN OUT ALL THE FUCKING FEELINGS I HAD, AND SETTLING INTO THIS CLASS BUT FAILING CATASTROPHICALLY, SINCE I'M NOT FITTING IN ANYWAY AND I'M ALWAYS STICKING OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB WHO IS ALWAYS HOPEFUL THAT THINGS WOULD HAPPEN BUT BLOODY FUCK, NOTHING EVER DOES IN THIS FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING WORLD, CLASS OR SCHOOL.
I SHOULD TOTALLY ENTER FOR THE GUINESS WORLD RECORD FOR LOSERS, GOODNESS.
I'M BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY LOSING MY FUCKING PATIENCE WITH THE WORLD, WITH MY CONTROL OVER MY PATHETIC INSIGNIFICANT EXISTENCE ON THIS BEAUTIFULLY BLUE EARTH, WITH EVERYTHING IN MY, IF I MAY CALL IT, LIFE (BECAUSE BASICALLY, MY LIFE IS JUST ATTAINING GOAL AFTER GOAL. IT'S SUCH STUPIDITY. THEY AREN'T EVEN GOALS THAT ARE WORTH GIVING UP WHATEVER I HAD FOR.)

IF I HAD OSKAR'S PAPIER-MACHE SKULL, I WOULD SMASH IN THE FACES OF EVERYONE WHO HAD EXPECTATIONS FOR ME THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BLOODY MEET. I JUST WANT TO BE ORDINARY. A NOTHING. OKAY. THERE I SAID IT. I WANT TO BE NOTHING. I WANT TO BE VACUUM, LIKE THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE, MINUS THE STARS AND THE PLANETS. NO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I JUST WANT TO BE INVISIBLE. ALONE. LIKE THE WOMAN WHO DIED IN ELEANOR RIGBY. AN ESCAPIST. THAT'S ALL I AM. AND I MAY BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

i am not as strong as i thought i was.
and it hurts.

11:41 PM